DA SCRIPT!
NOTE: Stage directions are in parathenses.
(Haruhi enters dragging Kyon by the tie; Corpse Ninja and Petal Ninja follow and take up positions in back)
Kyon(1): (stops just stage right of center) What are we doing here!? Can we even be here? (Looks around confused at the stage and audience)
Haruhi(1): ( stops just stage right of center) Don’t worry, it’s all been taken care of. A few incriminating pictures of them with Sailor Bubba and the judges were like putty in my hands!!! I mean, look at this place! It’s full of strange and interesting people! (Pointing to audience) Perfect members for the SOS Brigade!
(Haruhi runs to the edge of the stage, grabs and hauls in Tuxedo Mask by the arm, stopping slightly stage right. TM stops just stage left.)
Kyon(2): Oh God… (Jacket Shift, Exasperated Look.)
Haruhi(2): Our first candidate! Kyon, interview him! (Shoves Kyon toward TM as she moves stage right; nods in self-satisfaction)
Kyon(3): (Sighs) Why me? (Looks at psuedo-bewildered and wondering Tuxedo Mask) So,,,what’s your name?
Tux Mask(1): I'm Tuxedo Mask, defender of innocent victims and dreams.
Kyon(4): (steps forward for inner monologue, Corpse Ninja holds up Thought Bubble) I'll bet those innocent victims include your harem of underage school girls.
(Meanwhile, TM mistakes Petal Ninja for monster, throws rose at PN. PN is uneffected, TM pats pockets looking for another rose but PN hypnotises TM and puts him to sleep stage left as Haruhi reaches out for Kamui)
Haruhi(3): Next! (Bowls Kamui into Kyon who crashes into Corpse Ninja)
Kyon(5): (miserably) And your name is?
Kamui(1): Kamui.
(PN takes up position behind Kyon with Dramatic Petals)
Kyon(6):(PN shoves Dramatic Petals in his face. Kyon chokes on the petals, shields himself with clipboard) Oh, wait..let me guess, you're a dark, brooding, teenage boy of destiny?
(Haruhi who has been pacing, yawns and walks off stage right)
(Kamui thinks, hands in pockets staring off into distance, then shrugs assent and puts in pockets. Haruhi is reaching for Ken-chan)
Haruhi(4): Seen it already! NEXT! (Haruhi shoves Manager-san toward center stage, who keeps his arms crossed; Kamui shuffles stage left.)
Kyon(7): (in utter agony) Do I even wanna know who you are?
Ken-chan(1): Matsushiro Ken, manager of Pantasia's Southern Tokyo Branch.
(Meanwhile, Kamui snaps fingers and TM acts like a chicken)
Kyon(8): You don’t look very…(Eyes confusedly) Never mind. So... (eyes baguette) you bake bread, can you do anything else?
Ken-chan: Can I?
("To All the Dreamers" from Yakitate cues, PN spins Bouncy Disco Ball. Ken-chan shoves baguette at Kyon then does the Pelvic thrust and Kyon is frightened and Haruhi raises eyebrow. Kamui holds Blinky Arrow pointing at CN.)
Haruhi(5): Right fanservice, wrong gender. NEXT!!
(Ken-chan dances off stage left; Haruhi S. drags Fujioka Haruhi on stage. Ken-chan notices TM and snaps fingers; TM acts like a dog)
Kyon(9): (heaving sigh) Name?
(The interviewees congregate right next to Corpse Ninja, slightly stage left.PN holds BDB up for TM, who begs.)
Fujioka(1): (Nervously) Um… Haruhi.
(PN throws BDB and TM runs after, )
Haruhi(6): THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
(Infuriated Haruhi rushes in, Kyon blocks and holds her back. TM retrieves BDB and then stops just behind and right of CN.)
(Fujioka scoots away shielding herself as Corpse Ninja is just getting up; Fujioka stumbles and falls/sits on top of Corpse Ninja. Haruhi retreats. Fujioka stands up. Haruhi lunges again with flailing arms and Kyon keeps her at bay with baguette.)
Haruhi(7): (throwing up arms) Alright, NEXT!
(Reaches out for Non-Existent 5th Victim. Turns and looks offstage and marches back.)
(Fujioka snaps fingers at TM. Kyon motions for all the interviewees to escape. They sneak two tiny steps stage left, Haruhi whirls around and looks at them. They freeze comically. They MUST still be CENTER STAGE in the middle)
(Music starts soft. Interviewees stand "at attention.")
Haruhi(8): (Begins pacing in front) Since you're the only ones here (steps around CN), I’ve decided to accept all of you as new members of the SOS Brigade. (turns around, paces toward CN again) But there’s one more thing you need to do to prove your commitment!
Kyon(10): (facepalms) But you--(Haruhi steps on/over CN)
Haruhi(9): THE FLOORSHOW! (nearly smacks Kyon as she whips around to face audience)
(Kyon wigs out and tries to run off stage, PN closelines him back to centerstage)
(SH Ending Theme come up loud, everyone dances and Kyon is trapped...again and again.)
(Dance ends with Kyon jumping forward and Haruhi S. putting her foot on him)
(ALL members EXIT stage left)